Sensational Opportunity

I need to tell the world how sad I am.
That I am so happy
I get to feel sad.

It both breaks my heart and makes me smile
I often think I’d like to feel that for a while

So I’m gonna laugh until I cry and I’m gonna cry until I laugh
and I’m gonna watch this heart break until I die.
That’s just what makes sense to me.

I sometimes think I’d like to live forever
but I’ll sure hug death when she comes.

~
The above written in 2014

❤

So, it’s 2016… Wow.
I have been prepared to make 2016 a big year. Starting out my fifth year after my fathers passing, grounded with open eyes. Towards the end of 2015 I took an inventory of my thoughts and feelings and I pulled together all of my emotional tools. These emotional tools, or techniques, that I’ve developed and managed over these passed 4 years. These tools that I’ll use so as to hopefully, healthily move forward into this next year.

Mostly just a good bit of meditating 😉

… Then bang.
Life slaps you in the face again..
and just before Christmas my mother has a stroke…
Son of a…motha-poppa-sista-brotha..
… as I’ve heard my mother say before when she didn’t want to swear.. (which was rare) haha

My mother Lea M. Collette died on the 27th of December at about 7:40pm at the age of 50 ….
So strange to put in writing..

I know I should write… I know I will have a lot of things to write. To express… They will come.. For now I am still in the.. ‘I can’t believe my mom is dead’ phase.. It hit’s me sometimes.. such strange and simple moments..
Haven’t seen her in 6 months and been missin’ her like crazy.. now she’s gone.. No more physical Momma… So strange..
I just wanted a hug so bad..

And here we are… Life rolls forward and I’m on the other side of the country.. Working everyday. Distracted everyday.. Can’t get myself to really go through the boxes I sent myself from her house..
Mostly I think I feel tired. Wishing life had that fantastic ‘pause’ button I’ve been dreaming about for years..
but, onward onward! or you’ll get run over..
Mom once told me I always rolled with it so I didn’t get rolled over.. Guess she’s pretty right.
So I’m over here somewhere between okay and not and I think that’s alright for now. Just because I’ve lost one parent already doesn’t mean losing this one has to be easy…

Every moment of this life has been beautiful. Even the ugliest parts.
Viciously, Vibrantly, Violently real.

Sensation.
Blessed are we to feel.

Maneuvering through a minefield with so many learned techniques to heal this heart along the way.
Learn to embrace these explosions! For they have much to bring you.

Calmly processing and understanding feelings of sorrow through love, brings about one of the most beautiful sensations this life has to offer.
It brings strength.
Build your foundation with the wisdom you gain from pain, rather than being crushed by it’s weight..
Sometimes I say these things like they are so easy.. but it’s only because once you see it it becomes easier than you ever thought.. We are born so much more capable than we seem.

It will take years to try and make more sense of any of this 😉
Here we go.

Until next time,
All the love
Namaste